Need sex. Gaining weight.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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