my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
