even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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