were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
