I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
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I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I need a beard to bite.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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