Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
