was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
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Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
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I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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