my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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