i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
