she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
