someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
