is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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