Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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