My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!