Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
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I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
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But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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