I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
