I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm getting married
To pizza
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
