dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
