so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
please come you make the beer taste better
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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