I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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