So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
My balls are so social today.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
