The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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