In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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