I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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