she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
