ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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