I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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