it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
