I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
