Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
