sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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