Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
