He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
