This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
