Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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