I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
