its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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