Swine flu is the new snow day.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
