She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
