yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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