Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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