you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
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you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
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Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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