HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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