who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
