I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
