First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
