Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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