no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
