I think I won the penis lottery.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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