Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
