I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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