I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize