I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
