i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
