I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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