Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
