So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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