I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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