He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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