The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
