just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
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