I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
