Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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