I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
